Why is it that my family cannot see how hard it is that I am trying to work to make everything so much better in my life? Why can't they understand that nothing is easy in life and certain things take longer than others to achieve and actually accomplish. I am doing the best that I can with what I have been given and what I am capable of doing. I am constantly trying to better things in my life to make things easier on everyone and no one can seem to understand that. I am trying to get full time at my hourly paying job, but there are no addition hours availble since it is the slow season. I am trying to get my liscense at my other job so that I can go out and help people and so that I can make the money that I need to pay off my debts, save for a car, and save for other things that I want to do that I am no going to list here because of wondering and unwanted eyes. Along with all of this, I am still trying to find an over night job working anywhere just to have the extra cash flow until I can get my licsense. However getting a nigth job is difficult for me since I do not have a car and that I know my family will not want to be driving my over nights. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try...nothing seems to impress them and I makes me feel like I am nothing in my families eyes. I cannot control the fact that the first time I went to take my liscensing test that I was not able to go the day of the test because I had a gum line infection that blew up the entire left side of my face to the point that my left eye was swollen shut. I cannot control that fact that the second time I went to go take my test, my ride was unable to take me because of matters that were out of her hands. I know that if I were to ask my family to take me to my test that all they would do is bitch and moan because the testing center is out in Neptune and they make it sound like it is SOOO far away when it is only a 20 minute car ride on the parkway to get there. I cannot control the fact that there are no extra hours at my other job so that I could move up from part-time to full-time. Yet I still bust my ass doing anything and everything to prove to them I am am a hard working person and that I sincerely and desperately need that position. I cannot help thefact that I cannot go elsewhere to a better pay job for the fact that it is the slow season and no one is hiring at the moment. Not to mention that it sickens me that my co-workers at both jobs have more consideration, compassion, and understanding than my own family of how there is nothing that I can do right now to make anything any better given the situation.
The best way I can figure of even attempting to express the emotions that are raging through my mind, body and soul as of this moment are perfectly said by one of my friends here on myspace: "Right now I am stumbling, carrying a box of glass emotions and I'm going to stumble down the stairs of bad choices and crash on the floor of broken dreams." Not so much the part of "bad choice" but so much the fact that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and drain. I feel as if I were a tab of butter scrapped over too much bread. And at any moment, my emotions are just going to get entirely way out fo hand and I'll be so over whelmed that my emotions are just going to shatter into millions of tiny shards and at that point there will be no point of continuing on trying to make things better for myself because I'll no longer care and all my hopes and dreams will shatter along with my emotions.
Why do I even bother?